Leftover Dreams

Posted by Denice in



When I was in fourth grade, I dreamed of becoming a President of the Philippines (kids normally don’t realize what they are asking for) so I studied hard and strove to be number one in the class. By sixth grade up until high school, boys started to bother me even in my sleep (somebody should have taught me a word: “puberty”). I realized that beautiful girls get all the boys’ attention (yes, even that of my big crush) such that becoming a beauty queen outweighed the presidential dream.

But I thought hey, there’s a “question and answer” portion in beauty pageants, and that was probably among the reasons why I started to attract attention. I became a common face on stage in our town plaza through my active participation in singing, quiz bee and stage plays. As if that was not enough, I extended my exposure via paper just might. One day on my third year, I just found myself worrying about article deadlines, publication lay-out and content planning as our school’s editor-in-chief. I probably overdid the beauty queen preparation that I received the “salutatorian” crown upon my high school graduation.

The unintentional academic record that I gathered enabled me to get into a good school in Manila by college. Once here, I noticed that people didn’t care about dreams as much as they do care about making a living. Stable stream of money was such a big deal here. It made me doubt about the stability of a career that will be offered by a beauty queen status (okay, I think I wasn’t thinking enough at that time). Better to focus on my studies.

Shortly after graduation, my classmate and I wondered what if we try it out in Dusit Hotel as resident lounge singers (we both love to sing so much that we would have been willing to do it for free, actually). After all, the manager there happened to be our teacher in Hotel and Restaurant Management class and she was welcoming to look forward to our resumes. On second thought, both our parents disapproved of this move, to which we eventually obeyed them. After all, our BSC-International Business course did not prepare us for our singing career if ever.

My classmate and I parted ways after graduation. I heard that she took on the family business (true to her Chinese blood) while I pursued a career in research. I recall that there was a time we promised ourselves that once we get lots and lots of money, we’ll stop working, buy the most high-tech music component and sing to our hearts content. I was going overboard and told her I would go to Brazil, probably have a day job but by night, I should be singing and/or playing the grand piano in a classy hotel lounge and give life to mellow jazz classics.

Fast forward to a marriage, a son, and 40-pounds heavier at present, these dreams are now lost in the everyday routine I face in troops. I still sometimes catch my mind drifting away my office desk towards those leftover dreams until I’d get bothered by a phone call or a staff needing something to be approved by me.


One of the hardest and tightest spots that a person can be faced with is to choose which decisions to delay and which ones to act upon as soon as possible. Should I go for this now or can this wait for later?

The reality is that every decision we make brings a one step closer or farther back to where we can be. However, one doesn’t realize it until he or she is beset by the consequences of his or her choice much later. Isn’t that amazing?!

“Would you have been happier if Almighty Yahweh granted your desires?” My honest answer would yes although the spiritual in me believes that wherever and whoever I am right now is the best. I believe I should have no room for regrets. No father would withhold anything good for his children. What more our Heavenly Father?

“I had no shoes and complained, until I met a man who had no feet.” – Indian Proverb

“Are you happy?” is a question in present tense that no one has dared ask me yet. I suspect that if someone ever did, and considering everything, my answer would still be yes.


Diverse Yet One

Posted by Denice in ,


Whenever I get the chance to commute, I make it a point to look around me and get a glimpse of my “seatmates” --- how they look like, what they keep themselves busy with while the bus is in motion (wherein SMS or texting would probably be topping the list in the Philippines, followed closely by staring nowhere).

I try to do the same even when I am inside a plane, a boat or an MRT station. It’s probably my insatiable curiosity getting the best out of me.

I am amazed by the similarities and differences I have from the various types of strangers I see inside a public transportation or even outside of it for that matter. I see that we all come in various different sizes, colors and shapes. Most probably we all have different beliefs, aspirations, convictions and yes, problems!

Nevertheless, I would like to think that despite our differences, we are similar in most things, arguably in terms of emotional needs, for one. Consider this interesting article:

Do Different People Have Different Emotional Needs?

by James Kroeger

Do different people have different needs? Conventional wisdom says they do. After all, isn't it obvious that three different people could respond to the same kind of criticism in three different ways? One could be crushed by it, another could be aroused to great anger, while still another seems to be dismissively amused. Doesn’t that mean that some people have emotional needs that are less sensitive than others? Well, actually no. People may show different emotional responses to similar situations, but the reason for it is not that they have different needs. It is important for us to understand why.

One very basic reason why people have thought that different people have different emotional needs is the fact that human beings are not born with an understanding of what their needs are. We have had no choice but to guess what they are. Although it is not true that different people have different needs, it is true that different people have had different guesses about exactly what our needs are. Over time, we have been able to improve the accuracy of some of our guesses, at least when it comes to improving our understanding of what our purely biological needs are. The challenge of explaining our emotional needs has been much more difficult, primarily because people have simply not wanted to discover that they have an extremely demanding need for approval that makes them profoundly vulnerable to the slights of others.

Another big reason why observers have found it difficult to say exactly what our emotional needs are is because people will often identify specific things (experiences, situations) as “needs” that are actually only different approaches that people use in their attempts to satisfy a very fundamental need (that they all have in common). There are many different contexts and many different situations in which people hope to get their fundamental need for approval satisfied. But the goal of all of these efforts is the same: to either obtain the approval of others or to avoid the disapproval of others. One very basic reason, then, why different people seem to have different emotional needs is because we often make the mistake of identifying a particular means-to-an-end as an ultimate end, in itself.

A teenager, for example, may feel a powerful “need” to own a certain brand of stylish clothing, but it is not the clothing, itself, that she needs. The outfit she thinks she needs may have some value just-as-clothing, but the big reason why she feels such a strong desire for that particular brand is primarily because she hopes it will enable her to experience a certain emotional satisfaction that she craves. Maybe she hopes she will hear some favorable comments (approval) from her peers, or maybe she just hopes that she will be spared the pain of being perceived as an “outsider” (implicit disapproval). People are often completely unaware of the fact that the need they are actually trying to get satisfied is their fundamental emotional need for approval.

One reason why some people appear to be more needy than others is because different people have different emotional histories. Some are fortunate enough to have been born with strikingly handsome features or maybe they grew up in environments where they became quite accustomed to experiencing frequently expressed approval. When individuals are able to enjoy such conditions for a period of time they develop an expectation—a confidence—that it will continue. In contrast, those who’ve had a history of regularly experiencing disapproval will develop a different sort of expectation. They will fear the pain of disapproval because they heard it before. Both types of individuals have exactly the same need for approval. Both are equally "needy." Both can be just as easily hurt. It’s just that some individuals are accustomed to having their emotional needs regularly satisfied while others are not.

Finally, perhaps the single biggest reason why some individuals appear to be less needy to us than others is the collection of factors that enable human beings to hide their vulnerability from each other. On the receiving end, human beings seem to be easily fooled by certain kinds of performances. We tend to believe what other people show us. If someone responds to vicious criticism with a confident smile (instead of with tears or fear) we tend to interpret such a performance as an indication that the individual doesn’t have the same vulnerability that we have. But these performances can only be maintained for a limited period of time. If an emotional attack were to continue, the façade of invulnerability would eventually break down because the pain inflicted by the disapproval would simply become too overwhelming. When that happens, the only way to continue to hide one’s vulnerability is by responding with raw anger. Then, instead of seeing vulnerability, an attacker would see the opposite: a threat.

Those who have come to understand the Emotional Facts of Life recognize that anger is one of the most glaringly obvious signs of emotional vulnerability. It is a biologically programmed emotional response that is triggered by either actually experienced pain or by the mere perception of a threat of pain. If it were ever possible for an individual to become truly indifferent to disapproval, he would never respond to disapproval with anger. In fact, there would be no response at all since the individual would be utterly unaffected by it. No pain would be experienced so there would be nothing to be upset about. Noticing that someone was laughing at you would have as much meaning to you as noticing that a leaf had fallen off of a tree.

Human beings do not have the ability to create or annihilate needs. In order to possess such a power, we would have the ability to make ourselves feel some kind of pain whenever a self-given need is dissatisfied or some kind of pleasure whenever it is satisfied. Exactly how is it that we could do such a thing? Just try to make yourself need something, sometime, that you do not need. What kind of consequences would you cause yourself to suffer if the need is not fulfilled? How would you go about making yourself experience those consequences?

The ultimate truth that all of us must ultimately face is the fact that all of our needs are externally imposed on us and there is not one thing we can do to make them go away or to lessen their demands on us. We are slaves to our needs. The only option we have is to find out what they are and what we must do to get them satisfied. When it comes to our emotional need for approval, Emotional Honesty is the only answer…

On Losing Things

Posted by Denice in


Last year, I lost my bag. It contained my important personal stuff including my cellphone with all my contact numbers on it, my wallet with government and company IDs, ATM, credit cards, money ---- everything I should say. The bag itself has sentimental value to me as it was given to me by my aunt from the United States and it’s been typical of her to give branded items. This happened in the middle in a restaurant in Rockwell Power Plant while I was dining with my family.

I was certain my bag was just beside my right lap but since we’re seated in the middle part of the table, people could easily pass me by. I just realized that my bag was gone when I tried to pull out some tissue to wipe the mess out of my son’s mouth (he was aged three during this time). The restaurant’s manager later said that I was already the third victim during that month. A few weeks back, someone also lost a bag in that exact spot. The other one was far worse as she lost an entire shopping cart (the restaurant was right across a supermarket).

It’s incredible how the thief managed to steal my bag without any one member of my family noticing (to think there were five of us seated). He or she must be such a pro. But what I find more difficult to believe was how I “unaware” I was of what’s happening to me. It was probably bound to happen. Nevertheless, it was a wake up call for me that I’d better have to be where I am wherever I am. Otherwise, I would lose things --- I speak of this literally and likewise figuratively.

Dr. Fritz Perls, leading psychotherapist once said that to be present in the “here and now” is a key to awareness. This is an improvement area for me because honestly, I tend be either past-oriented or future oriented. As much as I would like to live one day at a time “today”, “several days” tend to be happening around me in just one day, so to speak. I realized that I have to make a conscious effort in the state of “here and now” most especially when I have a million reasons in my head as to why I feel I should be somewhere else right here, right now.